I'm unequivocally ambivalent about Apple's "Foundation" series.
On the one hand I am enjoying the show's good production values, weird (albeit overly politically correct) characters, and bizarre, unpredictable story lines.
On the other hand, as a fan of Isaac Asimov, I'm constantly stunned and horrified by what they've done to his work. This series bears as much resemblance to its namesake as 'X-Men' does to 'Waiting For Godot'. Apparently, it wasn't enough for the creators to steal the names, places, and fundamental idea of Foundation but they then proceeded to subvert or pervert every one of its foundational concepts. In doing so, they have turned Asimov's classic, cerebral, sweeping future history into a comic book, superhero, action-adventure, Star Wars clone.
So, given that streaming services are currently spending big money to redo classic tales, and inspired by Apple's fantastical rewrite of Foundation, I think the time is ripe to proffer my updated treatment of Shakespeare's Hamlet which, let's face it, is too slow and plodding to ever be realized by today's Hollywood.
In my updated, more exciting, revised version...
Hamlet is an Egyptian princess and daughter of the pharaoh Casper. Her mother, Gertrude, is an ex-slave from Denmark who became a concubine and, ultimately, the pharaoh's queen. Hamlet is also the cousin of Tutankhamun, whose father is Hamlet's uncle Claudius. [production note: we should find an Egyptian actress to play Hamlet. If none are available in Hollywood, a Maori actress will do, as the audience won't know the difference anyway].
In the first episode we illustrate that Hamlet is a strong woman of action: we see her being trained in sword fighting and chariot racing by the Greek general Yorick. Yorick has been assigned to train her by Alexander the Great, who is an ally of her father Casper.
Despite being tougher than most of the pharaoh's men, Hamlet has many potential suitors. Chief among them is Laertes, the son of the pharaoh's chief pyramid builder; Polonius. [production note: need a scene of virile, scantily clad slaves being whipped while hauling giant blocks of stone, to attract the S & M crowd]. Laertes is also friends with the young Tutankhamun, a sneaky brat who is jealous of his sister's popularity with their father and the public and who is secretly plotting with two courtiers (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) to kill Hamlet.
Hamlet soon learns of a major chariot race being held in Rome by Julius Ceasar and which features a large prize of gold. Unfortunately, pharaoh Casper dislikes his rival Ceasar and forbids his daughter from going to Rome. With the aide of her best friend Horatio, Hamlet sneaks out of the palace and steals a sailboat. [production note: this should probably be a Dhow or Felucca, for historical accuracy]. During the voyage, Hamlet's relationship with Horatio is revealed to be platonic as he confesses to being gay and in (unrequited) love with Laertes.
Soon, a great storm arises and the boat's captain is washed overboard. Hamlet springs into action, grabs the tiller, and almost saves the boat. Unfortunately, the captain's drowned body has jammed the rudder and, unable to steer, the ship is dashed to pieces on the rocks. [plot note: this section could be expanded into an entire episode in which the voyagers are washed ashore at different places on the Italian coast and the various parties do not know the fates of the others. To avoid being mistaken for invaders, the males must dress as women and Horiatio discovers that he likes cross dressing].
After wandering the countryside in confusion, the shipwrecked parties are joyfully reunited and make their way to Rome. In Rome, Hamlet is welcomed at the palace by Julius Ceasar, who immediately becomes infatuated with her. Ceasar provides Hamlet with lodging and a beautiful Nubian slave girl named Ophelia. Hamlet is immediately smitten with Ophelia and they spend the night together. [production notes: (1) Hamlet must, of course, ask for Ophelia's consent before making love to her, (2) create a passionate but tasteful lesbian sex scene, to attract L-Word fans].
The next day, in the royal stables, Hamlet is introduced to her chariot team: four white horses led by a magnificent black stallion. The stallion is at first skittish but is soon tamed by Hamlet's horse whispering skills. [production note: tender taming scene with closeups and stroking of horse's face, to please the horsey crowd]. Later that day, in a practice race, Hamlet meets and competes with her greatest rival, the renown Roman charioteer Fortinbras. [production note: Can we get Russell Crowe to play this part?] [plot note: Fortinbras' back-story can easily be expanded into an entire episode: a Christian who was once condemmed by Ceasar to fight as a gladiator but, with God's help, earned his freedom and became Ceasar's favorite charioteer. Attracts both the christian and Gladiator movie crowds].
The morning of the chariot competition arrives and Hamlet reveals her spiritual side; with Ophelia still asleep in her bed, Hamlet leaves to go and pray to the female deity Gaia. In a contrasting parallel scene, Fortinbras is shown secretly praying to the partiarchal god Zeus.
In the chariot race, Hamlet faces off against strong, handsome male charioteers from all over the world, including China, India, Iran, Russia, and North Korea [production note: use CGI to create epic settings reminiscent of the Olympics, to attract the both the sporting and Ben Hur crowds]. After a hard-fought race, in which Fortinbras nearly wins, Hamlet and her black-stallion-led team triumph. At the award ceremony, Ceasar offers to make Hamlet his empress but, as an autonomous woman who does not need a man, she politely declines. Disappointed, he tries to award her the prize gold but she asks instead to be given only Ophelia and the black stallion. Ceasar agrees and provides passage back to Egypt for all of them.
Back in Egypt, Hamlet frees Ophelia from slavery and takes her to the royal court to introduce her to Casper. Her father is outraged and reveals that he had planned to marry Hamlet off to his friend Alexander the Great. Showing once again that she is willing to stand up to the patriarchy, Hamlet begins a ferocious argument with her father, accusing him of assisting Alexander with predatory dating, since she is only 22 and Alexander is a full eight years older. She also accuses her father of racism, since Ophelia has darker skin than they do.
Their fierce argument is interrupted, however by urgent news that several ships full of Vikings are invading the country near the Nile delta. [plot note: I had originally intended to use Assyrian invaders but decided that Vikings might be more consistent with the original play]. [production note: also, it attacts fans from the Vikings show]. As Casper is too old and indecisive and Tutankhamun is too young, fearful, and treacherous, Hamlet mounts her black stallion and leads two regiments of the Egyptian army northwards.
Hamlet's forces encounter the Vikings encamped on the floodplains of the Nile delta and Hamlet agrees to meet with the Viking leader, Barnardo. [production note: a reviewer suggested that it would be impossible for these groups to communicate but I think we should just avoid that controversy by assuming that everyone involved speaks English]. Hamlet rides the black stallion to meet Barnardo, who initially is disdainful of her and refuses to believe that she leads the army. Angrily accusing Barnardo of chauvinism, she challenges him to a personal duel. After many minutes of intense sword play, she manages to nick Barnardo's sword arm. He is so impressed that he halts the fight and they sit down to talk and drink mead. Bernardo offers to withdraw from Egypt in exchange for treasure, an offer which Hamlet refuses. Bernardo, now much more drunk than Hamlet, offers to make Hamlet his queen. As an autonomous woman who does not need a man, Hamlet politely declines. Barnardo suggests that perhaps she will change her mind after he defeats her in battle the next day. She replies firmly that she will not change her mind and rides back to her encampment.
Early the next morning, as the two armies are preparing for battle, Yorick comes galloping up. Breathlessly, he describes how Hamlet's mother, queen Gertrude, has gone berserk from her lifelong mistreatment by the patriarchy and has murdered both pharaoh Casper and his brother Claudius. [plot note: Gertrude's back-story can easily be expanded into an entire episode: captured in Denmark she was sex-trafficked all over the Roman empire and finally sold to Claudius as a concubine, but "cheated" on him with Casper and, thus, became Casper's queen]. Gertrude has declared herself a deity, and with Tutankhamun and the remainder of the Egyptian army, has sealed herself into the impregnable royal palace. Not one to sit around brooding, Hamlet realizes that she needs help to avenge her father and uncles's deaths. She meets once again with Bernardo and offers to hire the Vikings as mercenaries to depose the queen. Bernardo agrees, but only if Hamlet will marry him when the job is done. Reluctantly, but thinking of her country and her people, Hamlet agrees to the sacrifice and the Viking/Egyptian army sets off for the palace.
In the next episode, a month has passed during which the Viking/Egyptian army has tried, in vain, to storm the impregnable royal palace. While the thick walls are impenetrable, the entrance doors would be vulnerable to repeated battering, except that they are too well protected for such repetitive attacks.
As they sit in siege, the Vikings grow restless and Barnardo begins to regret his drunken mercenary agreement. Eventually, a big fight breaks out between the Viking faction loyal to Barnardo and those who want to go plunder somewhere else. [production note: this could be a dramatic nighttime battle, in camp, lit by the torches of the tents (although it might be difficult to see the blood in the dark)]. After the Viking dispute, Barnardo declares that he will be the next pharaoh and demands that Hamlet become his queen immediately. Hamlet, of course, refuses and they fight each other mano a mano. Hamlet is wounded but manages to kill Barnardo. After Barnardo's death, the Vikings all pack up and leave.
After the Vikings leave, Hamlet reconnects with Horatio, who now deems themself a woman, wishes to be called "Hora", and insists that Hamlet use the correct pronouns when referring to them. Hora tells Hamlet about a recent shopping experience in which they bought dress silks from an Italian merchant by the name of Marco Polo, who also sells a novel black powder which might be able to end the siege.
Hamlet quickly boards a boat and sails to Venice to find Marco Polo. Upon meeting the handsome, young Marco Polo, Hamlet is aroused by his unisex look, his puppy-dog eyes, and his demure demeanor [production note: be sure to mention that MP is 18]. Overcoming his initial reluctance, she forcefully seduces him and enjoys it immensely. This act affirms her growing dislike of labels; she is not just a lesbian but a more open-minded bisexual. In gratitude for losing his virginity, Marco Polo gives her his formula for making gunpowder.
Returning home, Hamlet succeeds in manufacturing gunpowder but soon ascertains that, because of the architecture of the entrance doors, they can only be blown off from the inside. [production note: find some technical gobbledygook to explain why this is true]. Remembering that Laertes frequently used to raid the palace's wine cellar, Hamlet invites him to her tent to ask him about possible underground entrances into the palace. Hora is present when Laertes arrives and Laertes is smitten with their new look. Wishing to impress Hora, Laertes is very helpful and provides information about a small sewer tunnel, which Hamlet and Ophelia decide to use.
Later that night, Hamlet and Ophelia traverse the sewer tunnel carrying a barrel of gunpowder and some torches. Once inside the palace they separate, with Ophelia taking the gunpowder to the entrance doors and Hamlet going to look for the queen. Meanwhile, Polonius has been ordered by the mad queen to destroy his beloved creation; the Great Pyramid, which is the pharaoh's resting place. Instead, he has decided to kill her and is bringing a jug of water laced with poison to Gertrude's bed chamber. He puts the jug quietly down beside the sleeping queen but, before he can escape, he hears Hamlet approaching. He slips behind a nearby curtain. As Hamlet enters the room, she is incensed to see how many lit candles Gertrude is burning at once. Does Gertrude have no regard for fire safety? In a fit of pique, Hamlet grabs one of the candles and pours hot wax into the queen's ear. The queen awakens screaming and Polonius lets out a startled cry. Fearing discovery and without thinking, Hamlet pulls out her sword and stabs Polonius repeatedly through the curtain. Simultaneously, the queen grabs the nearby water jug and pours its contents over her ear but the poisoned water runs down her face, entering her eyes, nose, and mouth. [production note: depending on what sponsors we find, this death scene could be made more gross and graphic]. Polonius and the queen are both soon dead.
While Hamlet is getting her revenge for her father's death, Ophelia positions the gunpowder barrel at the entrance doors and lights the fuse. She rushes back toward the sewer tunnel. [production note: Ophelia should count down the remaining time, out loud, in order to build the tension]. Meeting Hamlet at the sewer tunnel they enter it and begin to crawl back through it as Ophelia counts down the remaining seconds. Just as they near the outside entrance, the gunpowder explodes and a wall of flame travels down the sewer tunnel, knocking them both outside the palace walls. Singed, but unhurt, they celebrate as Hamlet's army storms into the palace.
A little while later, the servant Reynaldo is sent to tell Laertes that his father has been murdered in the queen's bed chamber. Reynaldo finds Laertes in bed with Hora, who tries their best to comfort Laertes after he learns the news. Laertes and Hora both know, however, that Hamlet's revenge plan took her to the queen's bed chamber and Hora is not surprised when Laertes vows revenge against Hamlet.
The season finale opens with peace and quiet having, seemingly, returned to the kingdom. As the pharaoh Casper, his brother Claudius, the mad queen Gertrude, the Viking leader Barnardo, and the chief architect Polonius are all dead, and as Tutankhamun is still too young for the throne, Hamlet appoints herself the pharaonic regent. This angers Tutankhamun, who was expecting to be made pharaoh, and he continues to plot with two courtiers (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) to kill Hamlet. [production note: much silly, incompetent planning as a source of comic relief]
With the death of his father Polonius, Laertes has become the chief architect of the kingdom and is tasked with completing the Great Pyramid. While it is assumed that Polonius and mad queen Gertrude killed each other, Laertes and his transgendered lover Hora know the truth: that Polonius died at Hamlet's hands. Seeking revenge, Laertes explores Tutankhamun as a possible ally. The pair quickly discover their mutual hatred for Hamlet and plot how best to kill her. Hora finds out about their plotting and is greatly troubled, as they were once Hamlet's best friend.
One morning Francisco, a security guard at the pyramid construction site, comes to Laertes and reports that the angry mummy of Casper has been seen wandering the unfinished pyramid at night and has killed several of the slaves. [plot notes: (1) The mummy story could easily be expanded into an entire episode in which jewish slaves are being targeted by the anti-semitic mummy and a great shaman, Moses, weaves a protection spell for the slaves during an ayahuasca ceremony. (2) A Moses episode in Hamlet could be the perfect prequel for a secular spin-off which revamps the book of Exodus (unlike that preachy Charlton Heston movie)].
Laertes, seeing the opportunity to eliminate Hamlet, tells Hamlet that her father's mummy has appeared and requests that Hamlet and Ophelia visit him that night in the king's burial chamber, within the pyramid. Laertes then instructs Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to hide within the pyramid and kill Hamlet when she visits.
Later that night, honoring her father's wishes, Hamlet and Ophelia enter the pyramid. Hora, hoping to somehow protect Hamlet, is lurking in the shadows outside the pyramid when they observe Laertes approach. Inside, Hamlet and Ophelia enter the burial chamber and are confronted with both her father's and her uncle's mummies, each wearing a large, golden amulet. [production note: mummies should look clean and likeable at this point]. Castor mummy praises Hamlet for revenging his death, for restoring the kingdom, and for being such a strong woman. He apologizes for trying to control her life and for not letting her make her own decisions. Claudius mummy warns Hamlet that Tutankhamun cannot be trusted.
Meanwhile, Laertes, still pacing outside, grows impatient and enters the pyramid. Hora then approaches the entrance but does not enter.
Having reconciled with her father and settled her daddy issues, Hamlet is feeling good. But, as she and Ophelia start to leave the pyramid, they are attacked from a side corridor by Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Hamlet draws her sword and fights both attackers at once. Suddenly, both mummies appear [production note: looking decayed and hideous at this point]. R & G drop their swords in fright and run towards the exit, chased by the mummies. Laertes suddenly sees R & G running towards him, chased by two mummies, so he also turns and runs for the exit. Hora, looking down a long corridor into the pyramid, sees their beloved Laertes, followed by R & G, being chased by the murderous mummies. Hora triggers the pyramid's security seal and a giant block of stone crashes down, narrowly missing Laertes, crushing R & G, and sealing the mummies, Ophelia, and Hamlet inside.
Hamlet and Ophelia, realizing that they are sealed inside the pyramid, are aghast. Her father and uncle mummies reappear [production note: now looking clean and likeable again]. In an emotional scene, the four of them sit around in the burial chamber. Casper mummy apologizes to Hamlet for the restrictions and the oppression that his patriarchal regime has forced upon her life. He tells Hamlet that he can save her and Ophelia but it will cost him and Claudius mummy their afterlife. Caspar mummy reveals that their golden amulets will put the living into a state of hibernation. Hamlet objects to his proposed sacrifice but Caspar mummy says he will do it to atone for his sins. Caspar mummy lies Hamlet and Ophelia down, side by side, on a large stone block. The mummies remove their amulets and place them on Hamlet and Ophelia. As the torches sputter out, Hamlet and Ophelia fall asleep and the Caspar and Claudius mummies slowly turn to dust.
In the penultimate scenes, Tutankhamun is anointed pharaoh before a huge crowd outside the Great Pyramid. [production notes: (1) A wide drone shot over a huge, mixed racial crowd, (2) Several, closer, crowd shots of Egyptian commoners sprinkled with a few Roman, Greek, and Viking spectators, (3) a closeup of Marco Polo observing the coronation from the edge of the crowd, foreshadowing a possible return in the second season].
In the final scene, Hamlet and Ophelia, wearing the golden amulets, lie quietly asleep atop the giant stone block as the camera pans slowly out. And fade to black.
[author's note: Assuming we don't get funded by Netflix, and so are able to get a second season, I have a lot of great potential ideas. To start, Hamlet and Ophelia can awake 42 years into the future to find that an alien ship has returned to its parking place atop the Great Pyramid [to attract Stargate fans]. They must then escape the pyramid through the ship, which is led by a matriarchal society of benevolent aliens whose existance on Earth is being threatened by a virus created by a neighboring hostile, male-dominated Arabic kingdom. Lots more ideas where that came from. Call me...we'll do lunch].
